Parody
by A Rogue Slayer
Summary: A parody/summary on Buffy and Spike and general Spuffiness of Season 7. Don't read if you don't want to be spoiled through Touched(and the end if I get cheeky)!
1. Default Chapter

Just a parody/rundown of season 7 Spuffiness. Just be forewarned, that I'm not a big Buffy lover right now, and most of my sympathies lie with Spike, as I'm sure you'll figure out.  
  
Disclaimers: Joss, I love ya, but since I'm not getting paid for anything, I have a right to gripe! **  
  
Lessons: Buffy sees a nutso Spike in the school basement. "OH, Spike...have you seen Dawn? No, well, ok, bye"  
  
Beneath You: Spike comes to Buffy all fresh and clean and she bristles at him for the attempted rape(which she seems to dismiss and forgive when she talks about it to everyone else) And then in the church she finds out he got a soul for her, she sheds a tear or two, then lets him burn himself on the crucifix.  
  
Same Time, Same Place: Buffy: "Geez Spike, you really freaked me out the other day in the church, but since you don't have any useful info, I guess we'll leave you here in the basement some more....Oh wait, you can be a good bloodhound. Go follow the blood trail and then go back to the basement."  
  
Help: Buffy: "Hey, Spike, you know anything about a girl names Cassie? No, ok. Bye. Oh, by the way, stop beating yourself up over hurting me. See ya later." Spike: "Please stay with me. Help me." Buffy: "Nah, even though I have no idea what you're like when I'm not around, I think you're worse when I'm here. So I'm gonna leave you here, begging for me."  
  
Selfless: Buffy: "Gee Spike, you're kinda stinky and moldy, you should get out of this basement. Ta-ta!"  
  
Him: To her friends: Buffy: "Guys, he has a SOUL now, that's why I only left him in the school basement for a couple of months. And now I want him to live with the jerkiest guy who hates him the most. It's a brilliant plan."  
  
Conversations with Dead People: Buffy: "Yeah, I was really crap to my ex- boyfriend. Treated him horribly."(Wow, isn't it nice she can divulge this to a vamp she's about to kill, but could never admit it to Spike or any of her friends)  
  
Then the whole Sleeper bit: Spike: "Buffy, it's all about you. I could never love anyone else." Buffy: "Yeah, well, whatever. I still think you're killing people"(regardless of the fact that she was right, she was pretty much heartless to his declarations in that scene) And later: Buffy: "Ok, Spike, something is messing with you, making you kill people. I'll help you overcome it. You can come stay in MY stinky basement! I'll chain you up at night, but at least you get to be in my presence(ok, to be honest, that's just me taking out some anger on Buffy, that stuff really wasn't her fault...but I digress)  
  
Never Leave Me: Spike: "You used me. You hated yourself and you took it out on me" Buffy: "Yeah, duh." Spike: "I went and got my soul for you. I endured pain and suffering which really didn't compare to what you put me through emotionally." Buffy: "Oh my god, how can you say that? Feeling sorry for yourself?" Spike: "No, just being honest. I hate myself now too, since I have a soul, that I got for you." Buffy: "OH well, I should go check on Andrew." Later, Spike: "Buffy, you have to kill me because I'm just going to keep killing people. I'm a bad, bad man." Buffy: "Oh, Spike I believe in you. You can be a good man. You've changed."  
  
Bring on the Night: Buffy: "Spike's been captured, we must go save him because he is a strong and capable fighter." insert various scenes of Spike getting tortured by the ubervamp insert scenes of Buffy getting her butt kicked "Oh man, I just got my ass handed to me. I can't beat this thing. I sure hope it's not hurting Spike too much, because I have to give another speech before I go save him." insert 'we are an army' speech.  
  
Showtime: Buffy: "Yea, I kicked the ubervamp's butt now, not because I actually am a better fighter or because someone helped me, but because I decided to show off for the potentials...and I saved Spike. Yea me!"  
  
Potential: Buffy: "Spike, I know you got hurt and tortured, but I want you to help me train potentials" Spike: "Ok, Buffy, whatever you say. I am your willing slave." Buffy: "Oh Spike, you got hurt after I sat on your broken ribs during a demonstration of my greatness. Let me lift your shirt and touch you provocatively in front of young girls, but then pretend that nothing ever happened between us."  
  
Killer in Me: Spike: "Owww, my chip is misfiring and I am in quite alot of pain." Buffy: "I will call my ex-boyfriend who always hated you, and maybe he will help." Spike: "I seem to have fallen on the floor in pain and am writing about in agony." Buffy: "Yes, but Willow looks just like Warren. I'll get to you in a moment Spike. Keep writhing. It's quite sexy." Buffy: "Ok, army men, take out his chip, because he (exasperatedly, forgetting that the army men haven't already heard this) has a SOUL now. He doesn't need the chip. And as sexy as the writhing in pain is, it tends to bring down his fighting effectiveness."  
  
First Date: Buffy: "I am going to go on a date with my shiny-headed boss, which is not at all inappropriate. And why does everyone think I'm *still* in love with Spike. Not that I ever was, or would ever admit it. But I'm not...still...Anyway, hi Spike, I'm going on a date. You should go out too. I mean, except for the fact that when you go out you end up eating people lately, but it's probably still a good idea. Oh, and I hope me having a date doesn't break your heart into a million pieces, because I know you still love me more than your own life." Spike: "Sure, no problem. I'm ok. I know you'll never be with me. I hope you're very happy with Mr. Shiny Head. But just a warning, since I've been in Sunnydale, I haven't actually seen many people who aren't white, so I'm not sure how interracial dating is taken here. Do be careful. And let's do hope he's not a bad guy, because he tends to look very creepy and ominous. Have fun!" insert Buffy's look of slight disappointment that Spike isn't crying over her having a date.insert Spike's look of heartbreak when she can't see him Later the same day, Spike: "I really should leave. I'm not safe. And you have another demon fighter to take my place." Buffy: "Oh Spike, don't be silly. Robin could never bring down a house like you and I can. I mean, um, you should stay. I need you here, in a very ambiguous 'is it romance or is it not' way. Here's a doggie treat, now go back to the basement until I need you again."  
  
Get it Done: insert Buffy's 'everyone sucks but me' speech "Gee Spike, you went and got a soul and now you're all...not mean. What's up with that? Can't you be mean when I need you to be? Now all you do is cry and get beat up." Spike, "Um, HELLO, did this all for YOU. The soul, the changes, it's what YOU wanted." Buffy: "First of all, I never told you to get a soul, second of all, I liked you better when you were mean. Be mean again, like when you tried to kill me." insert Spike's look of utter confusion Spike: "Well, as the source of my meanness is in my duster, I should go get that. Although I left it at Buffy's house at the end of last season, it has made it's way to the school basement, where I don't even reside anymore. I should really think about getting my crap out of the school. But now I have a demon to mock and kill."  
  
Storyteller: insert Andrew's wet dream about the heat between Buffy and room temperature Spike  
  
Lies My Parents Told Me: Giles: "We must get you deactivated. Please, let me shove this rock through your eye." Spike, "Okey, dokey. Ow, ow, ow ow" Buffy: "Spike, are you ok? Let me hold your hand in an ambiguous display of possible affection and concern." Spike: "Let me out of these chains before I rip them of the wall. By the way, I'm very calm." Buffy: "I think I will let you go, since you are obviously not calm, the detriggering didn't work, and you're still a danger to everyone around you. And this is a good way of displaying my unwise decisions that may or may not come back to bite me in the ass in future episodes." Wood: "Well, it didn't work. We should kill him." Giles: "Agreed. I'll keep Buffy busy for a few hours while you beat Spike lifeless. Sounds good to me." Buffy: "Though I have no real reason to put this together, I think Giles is trying to stall me while Wood beats Spike lifeless. I must go to him, because as a super-powered vampire, Spike is no match for a mere human." Spike: "I let him live cuz I killed his mom. But if I see that shiny head again, I'll kill him." Buffy: "If he sees your shiny head again, he'll kill you. And I'll let him. So THERE. Oh, and we are SO not going on any more dates, because of your actions tonight and because I may or may not have redeveloped feelings for Spike. Got it?"  
  
Dirty Girls: Faith: "Look a very sexy vampire. I will proceed with kicking his ass in a very flirty way." Spike: "Hey, you're a very sexy woman who can kick my ass and who also happens to not be Buffy. You must be Faith." Faith: "Oh right you are, vampire. Let us commence with the sexy beating!" Spike: "No, wait, I'm on your side. I'm a good guy now. And since I'm not getting any action out of Buffy, I would desperately like to make your acquaintance, because I have a fetish for women who can stomp me into the ground." Buffy slugs Faith in an ambiguous 'is it territorial or old, bitter rivalry' way. Buffy: "Spike, are you ok? Because I'd hate you to be hurt by Faith, since I know how much you get off on it, and I'm kind of in the business of making sure you don't have any happies this season." Spike: "Well, while I did enjoy it wildly, I wouldn't mind seeing you two fight, while both wearing leather pants, because there is always an overt lesbian context when you two fight, which as we all know, is what all guys dream about." Buffy: "Hmm, intriguing idea. Maybe I will fight her later, but I can bet that you won't be anywhere near to enjoy it. By the way, Spike has a soul." Faith: "Oh, like Angel? Can I boink him, cuz I know I can't boink Angel." Spike: "*No*, not like Angel at all. I can boink all I want. I just choose not to right now. Or rather, someone else is choosing it for me." Buffy: "No, it's exactly like Angel-he has a soul and you better keep your hands off of him!" Later, the infamous basement scene: Spike: "Hey, can I borrow a cigarette, because I am as orally fixated as you are." Faith: "Sure, here, I will let you have the cigarette I was smoking, so we can make this scene a bit more hot, even though sexual electricity is oozing out both of us already." Spike: "I think I'll sit here and look very sexy for a while. My hair is all mussed from sleeping and I'm going to keep my eyes half closed and use my sexy voice." Faith: "That's cool. I'm just gonna talk about kinky sex and stretch and shake my boobies a few times. And then I'm gonna sit on the bed suggestively next to you. Oh by the way, we met before." Spike: "Yeah, I remember. You were sexily kicking my ass." Faith: "No, before, I had stolen Buffy's body, and while I could have done anything at all with it, I chose to hang out at the bronze and be a big cock tease. Not really different from the real Buffy." Spike: "Oh, that was you. I was wondering why Buffy didn't have a stick up her ass that day. Yes, you said some very sexy things to me which I will repeat to you now, in an attempt to make this already hot scene sizzle." Faith: "Well, it should have been a dead giveaway that it wasn't Buffy. She doesn't use such explicit sexual language as a bad girl like me does." Spike: "Actually, last year Buffy used quite a bit of explicit language, most of it berating and belittling me while she fucked my brains out. Ah, good times..." Faith: "Huh? Really? Cuz when I slept with her boyfriend Riley, he seemed like the type of guy who wouldn't put up with that sort of stuff. Worst lay of my life. Oh wait, I forgot about Xander..." Buffy makes her grand entrance: "Oh, you two are looking very sexy on the bed together, and I can feel the suggestive sexual heat from upstairs. I think now I will just glower at Faith for moving in on my man who isn't really mine anymore, but he sure as hell isn't allowed to talk to any other women, especially when this much sexual energy is involved." Faith: "Hey, B! I was just doing the usual, trying to have sex with every man you know. When's Giles getting home? I'm going to have sex with the principal next week, but you know...gotta kill some time. That Andrew kid still around?"  
  
Empty Places: Giles: "Spike, I want you to go to this old church and check out this odd marking on the wall. It will hopefully take you some time so we can all confront Buffy about her bitchiness and poor decision making, even though we all made it clear we wanted her to make all the decisions." Spike: "Well, since last time you sent me somewhere, I almost got killed, I will go now. But I will give you a dirty look and call you by your first name, which is an obvious sign of my disdain for you. And yes, I will take Andrew with me, because you might get angry with me, and I could not live with your disapproval." Buffy: "You sent Spike out? The one person here who can give me sexual pleasure like no one else, and you sent him away? He had better return alive, because although I am not planning on any more sex with him this season, just knowing that he is waiting in the basement to give me pleasure whenever I want it is enough. What? The young, teenage girls that have been cooped up in my house are out at the Bronze? The Bronze? That place of evilness that *I* spent my entire youth at? How could you let them, Giles? Especially when I got berated for having a date a few weeks ago." Spike: "It feels like I am only on this trip to be conveniently absent. I wonder why..." Buffy: "You guys suck and you must all follow my orders. I know some of you died and Xander's missing an eye(sorry, Xan, my bad!), but I really think we should barrel head first back into the place that saw a righteous kicking of our ass." Everyone else, "UH, NO!" Buffy: "What? You *dare* go against me? In my own home? If Spike were here, I'd have him eat you all!" Dawn: "It's my house too, and you have to leave because even though you've saved the world a million times and recently died for us all, we think your judgment is lacking." Buffy: "It is NOT your house too. You aren't even real! You're mystical glowy energy! And besides, you're a minor and so you can't legally own anything. But, since you are all looking very serious, I will go. I just can't wait until Spike gets here, because you guys are going to be in so much trouble!"  
  
Touched: Buffy: "You only wanted me because I was unattainable." Spike: "That's not true." Buffy: "Ok, whatever, can I sleep now?" Spike: insert the sweetest speech a vampire ever gave, full of love and devotion and no expectations(good idea) Buffy: "Hmm..I am quite alone right now. Why don't you get in bed with me-only to hold me though! Psych! I mean, even though you are a cold body, you're the only one who follows me around like a puppy, and I'm in the mood to cuddle." Spike: "Oh, just to be in your presence is enough for me. I'll convince myself that this is better than all the sex we had last year, even though you haven't actually admitted any feelings for me, or even kissed me at all, and usually just give me non- committal looks. But I'll just continue jerking off in your basement whenever you're done with my cold comfort." insert image of Spike looking sweetly on Buffy as she sleeps insert image of Buffy looking vaguely at Spike as he sleeps insert image of Spike waking alone to a note(which I'm sure is *full* of loving words) insert fight sequence between Buffy and Caleb where for some reason she is able now to fight him effectively and dodge all of his blows. And nary a crowd to play for!  
  
**  
  
I may add more after the last two eps. Maybe not. Depends on how much Buffy/Joss hack me off! 


	2. End of Days

End of Days: Spike: "I seem to be noticeably absent for 75% of this episode. Since I'm not at the house Buffy left me at, being that Willow and Xander looked for her there, I must be napping in the sewers. Or possibly doing something important that will further the storyline. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm just here to get my chain yanked by Buffy...Oh, Buffy, you're home, and you have a right big ax. Yes, an ax is much better than I am. I can see why you left me." Buffy: "Oh, uh, yeah well...I'm wicked strong with this ax! It kind of makes me feel like when I wielded that troll hammer against Glory. You remember, the one you can't even pick up? Funny how in fights we're almost evenly matched, but you couldn't pick up a silly hammer. Of course this ax is better than you are! It's shiny..I miss Principal Wood. Maybe I'll go get all weirdly jealous when Faith tells me she boned Wood. Not because I like him, but because DAMN that girl would have sex with anything. Even a life-sized plastic action figure like Robin!" Spike: "Uh huh. Well, about last night, with the closeness and me pouring out my heart like I never have before...it was nothing. I know it was nothing, because when I woke up you were gone. And all last year, I you always left my bed before morning, and that meant nothing to you too. But I didn't even get sex this time...Anyway, it won't happen again, because frankly I'm having a hard time gluing the pieces of my heart back together." Buffy: "Oh, ok. No, not ok. You're so stupid. How can you not see by my ambiguous expression and emotionless eyes that last night meant *some*thing to me. Not sure what, but I'm sure it was something. And I'm tired of mixed signals! I'm the only one allowed to give mixed signals, got it? How did you feel about last night?" Spike: "Terrified. I've never been that close to anyone in my life. It was the best night of my life, even counting all the unnatural sex acts we did last year. Which, by the way, I wouldn't mind doing again, seeing as the world might end and I haven't had sex in a long time. And then maybe we could cuddle afterward? Because truly, that meant more to me than anything else we've ever done together. I mean, it was so nice, especially the part where you weren't bitching and moaning or battering me unrecognizable. You were just quiet. Sleeping. And quiet. What did it mean to you?" Buffy: "Uh, does it have to *mean* something? Even though I just told you it meant a lot to me, giving me courage, etc, does it still have to mean something *else*? I mean, god, you're like a woman. We spent the night together, get over it! But, um, maybe someday...here are some of those mixed signals I'm so tired of..." Spike: "No, forget it. You're right, I'm a woman. I'm gonna go check out the vineyard again, where Caleb resides and the First is pretty much hunkered down." Buffy: "Good idea, but make sure you follow me later so you can make sure I'm safe. OH, and to watch me kiss Angel." Spike: "Ok, I'll be there." Buffy: "Oh Angelinsert gratuitous smooching" Spike: "Damn, if I hadn't lurked here in the shadows, maybe I could have stopped them from kissing. Why, oh why, is it my lot in life to lurk???" The First: "HA!" 


	3. Chosen

Chosen: Close up of Angel and Buffy smooching. Spike glaring while the First taunts him as, of course, Buffy herself. Which lends credence to the oft overlooked theory that Buffy *is* the root of all evil. Or is it the love of Buffy..? Anyway..Buffy: "Gee Angel, thanks for the nifty amulet. I'd let you wear it, but as it is probably very dangerous, I want Spike to wear it. Not because he's more of a champion than you, but because he's dispensable. I want you to go be safe in LA, for when maybe someday in a few years I have decided I want you to eat me because I am cookies, but I'll get to that later." Angel: "Ok, I'll go be safe and wait to eat you. But you love Spike! I can smell him on you, and while the scent is not unpleasant, it is disconcerting. I left you heartbroken so you could find a normal guy." Buffy: "Like Riley, whose ass you thoroughly kicked?" Angel: "Oh, guess not. No, I really just want you to wait for me until I shansu or whatever the hell and become human. Then we can try to knock down a building too. Except being a human, I will probably suffer much blood loss and our next sexual encounter may end sadder than our first!" Buffy: "Oh please, only Spike is that good. Besides, he's got a soul now." Angel: "No fair, I had a soul first!" Buffy: "Yeah well, don't be a baby about it. I mean, you were *cursed* with yours, not like you made a conscious choice like *some* vamps I know. Sure, it's all cool now that you *have* a soul, but I think if you didn't have one, you'd feel differently. But let's not test that theory." Angel: "Fine. So you serious about Spike?" Buffy: "Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. You'll never know. Neither will Spike. Come to think of it, neither will I. I prefer to be enigma girl. I have honed my vague expression just for Spike. But no, I don't foresee a future with Spike. Or any man, because I have not surpassed the emotional age I was at when I met you. Nor do I plan to for several years, apparently. But maybe *then* you and I can give it a shot. I mean, you'll probably still be cursed and I won't *really* have matured any, but I'll probably be ready to be eaten by then. Cuz I'll be cookies. Very low-fat, tasteless, boney cookies." Angel: "Uh, ok. See ya later, ya big freak. I'm just gonna dissolve into the shadows, but I'll be waiting for you. And it's a good thing I'm a vampire who will live longer than a normal man, cuz I have a feeling I'll be waiting for a long while. Or until my show ends, either way." Buffy: "Ok, don't forget! Don't go eating any other cookies, cuz I'll be all baked in a few years...maybe...possibly...and I might want you to eat me. Or at least sample me...but who knows..."  
  
Spike: "Hey, where's tall, dark and forehead?" Buffy: "Oh Spike, you're so silly. Why do you look so violently jealous? Not like I gave you any indication I had feelings for you. Hello? Have you *been* around this season?" Spike: "Oh, right. Forgot. But I mean, we were snuggling and whatnot. Then you're kissing Angel. I can smell him on you, and while it's not unpleasant, it is upsetting because I had gotten it in my head you had some kind of regard for me and my feelings. Silly me!" Buffy: "Damn right, silly you! I just want to see you and Angel doing some oily wrestling over me. Then maybe I'll jump in and we can see what we can do about those pesky souls of yours. Because Angel is too sedate for me. And you...well, frankly, we haven't had any rocking sex since you got a soul and I don't honestly know what I keep you around for. Oh yeah, snuggling. Snuggling is nice, especially when it's following some nice kissage with my first love. Oh, by the way, you're my champion and you get to wear this ugly-ass medallion that I didn't feel was safe enough for Angel." Spike: "Okey dokey." Buffy: "Well, since I don't have a bedroom anymore.." Spike: "Hey! You're not staying here. I have my pride, despite what I have done this entire season. I'm not just going to take this crap treatment that you've dished out for the past 3 years." Buffy: "I understand. I also understand if I give you a pouty look, you'll cave like the hellmouth is about to do!" Spike: "Dammit, you're right. I have no pride. What a silly notion that is. Haven't had any pride since I fell in love with you, which you have been nice enough to take advantage of at every turn. You can stay and snuggle with me. Snuggling...is good. But you're gonna brush your teeth first, because you still have Angel breath."  
  
Spike: "Buffy! The amulet is activating, and I'm kind of wishing you had given it to Angel, as it is presenting quite a bit of sunlight and pain. And I think I feel my soul. Stings...and smells a lot like burnt Turok- han." Buffy: (admittedly looking loving and touched, grabs his hand and flames consume, very sweet and tear inducing) Spike: (looking equally loving upon Buffy and seems like he realizes there is *some*thing there) Buffy: (Good god, FINALLY) "I love you" Spike: "No you don't. But thanks for saying it." Buffy: "Hmm, I could spend just a second or two before you incinerate to say it again and be convincing, despite my actions all season. But instead I think I'll turn tail and run. Hope you're not in too much pain! Ta-Ta!" Spike: "Well, I guess that just confirms it! Cassie said she'd say it, never said she'd mean it! Think I'll enjoy the last laugh here and finally rest in peace. Take my love and bury it in a whole a mile deep. I'm gonna lay my body down and *finally* get my sweet release-perhaps an afterlife where I'm not love's bitch anymore. Damn, I loved that girl, but I finally have a purpose beyond her. 'I want to save the world.' And I'm gonna bloody do it, too."  
  
**  
  
Ok, that being said, I loved the finale. Disappointed for Spuffy, but sorta happy for Spike. Joss gave us 7 great years that I'll treasure forever and hopefully do justice to with my other fanfic. I hope you guys enjoyed my little humorous take on season 7 Spuffy. To be completely honest, I don't dislike Buffy as much as my parody may suggest, but in regards to Spike, I am very disappointed with how things went. Buffy as a character is much more rich than I depicted her, so I hope everyone knows I still enjoyed the hell out of it all. Thanks for reading! 


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